I just wanted to let you know, if my foolish hope that you haven’t just ceased to exist entirely and that you can somehow see the things that I post to you is true, that I haven’t forgotten about you. I think about you every day. Some days its in big, huge, sobbing on the floor kind of ways, and some days it’s just a passing, heart breaking thought. But every day without fail. Today it was because Krystal and I went to this thing called Dayglow, got covered in paint, and the whole thing is something I would have loved to share with you. I know you would have loved it. I try not to be sad when I think of you, but I haven’t quite mastered it yet. When does it stop hurting?
Dear Grandma,
I dreamed about you last night. In fact, I feel like I just re-lived the last couple weeks in the hospital. It wasn’t a very good dream, and when I woke up, I forgot for a second that you were gone and I went to call you. I miss you so much. I haven’t talked to you and have you talk back in weeks now and it seems so wrong. Anyway, I don’t know, the past couple of days have been rough as far as everyone’s emotional state. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you.
Love,
Deej
GLEE!
Watching the new episode without you tonight. They’re doing Grease songs, too. Oh, you would love it. Oh boy. We’ll see if I can be tough and not cry. I wish you were here to watch it with me and interrupt way too much.
I just found the face mask I had to wear the last time I saw you when you were still able to sit and talk with me. The smallest things keep making me sob. It’s gotten easier, but I still miss you so much. The pain is still there as if it just happened today, I can just manage it better now.
I keep telling myself it’s okay because you’re not hurting or unable to breathe anymore, just as you told me yourself a year and a half ago as we lay in your bed after Esther died. I try to imagine you saying it to me now. But, to be truthful, I’m kind of tired of people telling me it’s going to be okay. Sure, it might be okay in the future, but right now we’re all having a tough time trying to fill the huge hole in our lives that used to be you. Right now, it’s not very okay. I know people mean well, but it’s just irritating at this point.
I love you, I just wanted to let you know I miss you.
<3
(Source: tonsofphotographyxox, via dontloseyourdinosaur)
Dear Grandma,
Today is your memorial. I see you everywhere this morning. Missing you so much.
Love, Destiny
Birthday…
Dear Grandma,
Ten minutes ago, the clock hit midnight, which means that it’s now my birthday. Friday the 13th. We were just talking about my birthday probably not even two weeks ago, when you made me promise to give it my best shot in school, and to not smoke cigarettes, and the last time I saw you at least well enough to talk with me.
It doesn’t feel very right that it’s my birthday now and you’re not here with us. You’re supposed to be here to kiss me all over my face. You’re supposed to be texting me happy birthday. I feel really awful for thinking that? I mean, they aren’t very bad thoughts.
I don’t know.
I just miss you.
I just want you to come celebrate my birthday with me.
I just wanted to tell you that I love you.
Love, Deej
Dear Grandma,
This morning, I miss being able to climb into bed with you. Quietly trying to wiggle into the covers on Papa’s side of the bed so as to not wake you up. It never worked, of course, we all know I’m awful at being quiet. I miss you so much. I keep thinking you’re going to text or call me.
Love, Destiny
P.S I know you’d be yelling at me for crying, telling me that I have a beautiful face but that crying ruins it, haha. I’m sorry it’s hard not to cry, I’m trying really hard.
Dear Grandma,
GRANDMAAAAAAH!
Papa had me say that to you the other day, and I continue to wonder if you heard me the last week? I mean, I hope that you did. I hope you heard me tell you how much I love you, how much I miss you, how much I wished, still wish, that we could have a million more days together to talk & laugh & lay in silence watching stupid crime shows on tv while you pet my hair. That’s how I keep thinking of you, and of me, laying on the couch while you pet my hair. Not saying anything, not really thinking of anything, just sitting in the quiet with the show playing and being perfectly content with that. Those are my favorite times with you. That’s my calm place, I guess. I would have a bad day or just feel sick and you would do it, and it always makes me feel better. I wish you were here to do that now.
You never really think about how much you rely on someone or how much you share with a person until they are gone. And, really, you were my friend. I’m so glad I got to spend nearly every day of the last year with you. You really have no idea, and I wish I had expressed that to you. I will miss our conversations the most. In the car, at night, during the long afternoons before Papa and Kim would come home from work/school, and any moment we were alone. I looked forward to that, to telling you my secrets and sometimes having you tell me yours. To be truthful, I still find myself looking forward to that. You’re very far away now, and I don’t think we’ll have any more of that for a really long time, if ever, but I hope you keep enough things to share with me whenever we meet again so that we can sit for ages and just chat. Please!
There’s a home video somewhere around this house where I’m saying sorry to mom, and I look at you and I say “I forgot the other part!”. Busted. You were always there to catch my fall, to bail me out when I needed it, and to pull me out into the laundry room and tell me, word for word, how I need to apologize to my mom. Haha! I know that you loved me. And I think I know that you know I love you. I love you very, very much.
There is so much I wish I could tell you. So much I wish I knew about your life. I would let you sit me down and explain, in excruciating detail, every moment of your life that you could remember now. Don’t get me wrong, I know that wherever you are (IF ever you are), you’re not hurting anymore. You aren’t struggling to breathe and you aren’t in pain, and I am so glad for that. But I’m a little selfish, I suppose, and wish that you could be here with us still. It is foolish, of course, to wish for immortality. But it doesn’t mean you don’t still wish for it.
But it’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. I think. Mom, Kim, Papa, me, Aunt Lisa, Aunt Judy, everyone…we’re going to be okay. Please don’t worry about that. I keep worrying about you being worried or scared or upset. We’ll get through I think somehow, make you proud. Papa misses you, of course. I am sad for him a lot. He loves you more than all of us combined, I think. I think you know that. Mommy misses you a lot. I mean, we all do, but I know that she misses you probably just as much as Papa. But she’ll pull through, too, to make you proud. Don’t be afraid for us, please don’t worry. There will be many, many more tears shed after this, and we will never stop missing you, but everything is going to get better.
I know that we have not always had the easiest relationship, me being a teenage girl and all. But I want you to know how sorry I am for not helping you as much as I should have, for not appreciating the time we got together enough when you were still here, and for fighting with you as much as I did over the summer. I feel like that was a big part of our summer before I left for Leakycon. We fought a lot. You’d probably tell me not to be sorry, that it was okay. And I guess I really do know that. But I want to say it anyway.
Thank you for spoiling me. Thank you for talking with me. Thank you for cuddling with me. Thank you for driving across town so that I could come to your house when you lived across the bridge when I missed you. Thank you for helping me make my first Easy Bake oven cake. Thank you for the New Year’s, banging pots and pans outside (which is something I think I’ll do with my children until they reach the age where it’s not enough). Thank you for understanding. Thank you for holding me when my heart got broken and I cried for hours. In addition to that, thank you for holding me when one of my best friends died from the very disease that took you in the end. Thank you for being strong enough to spend 18 years we got to spend together. I couldn’t, and can’t, imagine my life without you…you’ve always been there.Thank you for being my Grandma and my friend, a lot of people don’t get that kind of relationship with their grandparents and I’m incredibly thankful for that.
Anyway, I could sit here and continue to ramble for a really long time, but we’ll cut to the chase as to not make this an hour long letter. I love you, I miss you, mainly I love you. I hope that you are smiling every single day wherever you are and I’ll be seeing you.
Love ALWAYS,
Destiny
